Thanksgiving serves far more than turkey, gravy and mashed potatoes. For me, it also dishes out juicy, painful memories.
Here are my worst holiday moments. Forgive me if they taste a little bitter.
1. 1979: Sitting at the cousin’s table drooling for turkey, until learning the adults had devoured the entire bird. What did we kids eat? Hormel canned ham. I wanted to kill aunt Betty. As a matter of fact, I wish I would have. Her head would have tasted better.
2. 2007: Tip–Don’t break up with your girlfriend three weeks prior to Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you enjoy spending the holiday alone eating a turkey sandwich while watching Children of a Lesser God.
3. 2006: Making the mistake of attending a vegan dinner. Tofurkey “log” is an apt description, because it tasted like a burnt sawdust turd.
4. 1974: “I swear to God, grandma, I did not pee on Tammy and JJ from the oak tree.” But I wish I would have.
5. 2002: Thinking I would get laid, I drove to San Diego with a girl I barely knew, to spend the holiday with her friends. She forgot to mention they were super Christians. At the end of a 12-minute opening prayer where the host offered his graciousness to everyone on the planet—including Charlton Heston—I added “You forgot my mom.”
Their reaction? Total silence and awkward stares.
I’m still grateful that I made that quip.